"... a bizarre dialect of Chinese, pronounced entirely in the first tone."
Some of the entries in this list of "essentialisms" are funny, some aren't. The equivalent list for Japanese, Chinese etc. is here. This sounded oddly familiar:
"Chinese, as spoken by hip 20-somethings, is essentially really bad English."
I've never been to China but if you substituted "Japanese" for "Chinese" and "hip 50-somethings" for "hip 20-somethings", it might work.